when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
