I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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