So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
