She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
