Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
