Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
