Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
