connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Randomize
