that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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