she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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