Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
