hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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