explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
