I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
