I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How does one acquire holy water?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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