i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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