I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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