Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
