my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
