the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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