My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
