my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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