Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
