Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
