She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize