God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
