Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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