I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
