There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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