his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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