So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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