you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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