Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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