We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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