Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
