Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
