It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
