Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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