i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
