I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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