I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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