Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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