I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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