I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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