You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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