Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
