I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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