Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
