some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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