I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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