If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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