I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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