You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
is wine microwaveable?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize