My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
