He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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