good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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