did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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