Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
