don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize