I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
