proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
