I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
